Grief     

Grief is a personal experience and reaction to loss.  Grief can occur after many different types of loss, including the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, diagnosis of a serious illness, children leaving home, loss of a job or property or the death of a pet.  Grief is a natural and common emotion and while it is a painful experience it can eventually lead to healing and emotional growth.  

Stages of Grief
Each person reacts to loss differently.  The following emotions are common to grieving people but they are not all-inclusive, not always experienced and can occur in any order. 

Shock and denial: Disbelief is often the first reaction after learning of a loss. 

Anger: A grieving person will often feel resentment towards their loved one for leaving them. They could also feel anger towards themselves and other for not preventing the loss. 

Guilt: People may feel regret for things they did or didn’t do prior to the loss.  They may blame themselves for the death of their loved one or feel guilt for the way they treated them before the loss.

Depression: Those who have lost loved ones may experience a deep sadness.  They may be overcome with loneliness and feel that they cannot make it on their own. 

Fear: The death of a loved one may cause feelings of worry or panic.  People often worry about their own deaths or become frightened by the thought of life without their loved one. 

Hope: Eventually people will begin to see a hopeful future and may even acquire new insights as a result of the grief process.  They will become more interested in new relationships and interests and regain their confidence. 

Symptoms of Grief

Difficulty sleeping

Depression

Fatigue

Weight loss

Self-condemnation

Difficulty concentrating

Irritability

Suicidal thoughts

Loss of interest in friends, work, church, etc

How to Work through Your Grief

Express your feelings. Holding your pain inside can create even more problems.  Talk to someone that you trust.

Accept help. No one expects you to handle everything on your own.  Embrace people’s offers of both emotional and practical support. 

Get enough rest. Tiredness is a common symptom of grief and can be easily countered by taking time to rest and getting enough sleep at night.

Stay healthy. Grief puts stress on your body, requiring extra attention to your health.  Eat a healthy diet and exercise (after approval from your physician).  Avoid harmful substances such as alcohol and drugs. 

Try new activities. Join an organization or a club, do some volunteer work, or even take a class at a local college.  New activities will help you make new friends and you may even discover a hidden talent.  

Set goals. Write down both short-term and long-term goals, such as writing letters or taking a trip.  Keeping lists can help you stay focused and help you to see progress. 

Keep memories alive. Looking at photos of your loved one, sharing memories with friends and family, and recalling good times can help you deal with their loss.  You don’t have to forget about your loved one or pretend that you don’t miss them. 

How to Help a Grieving Person

Offer emotional support

Be a good listener. Encourage your friend to share their feelings with you.  Be sympathetic but don’t give easy answers or change the subject if it becomes difficult.  It’s okay to just listen; you don’t have to solve anything. 

Be physically present. Having someone near to give a hug or offer companionship can be a great comfort to a grieving person.  If you can’t be with them, call or write a card to let them know you are thinking of them. 

Offer practical help

Help with chores. Sometimes the most routine practices can become difficult.  Also by helping with such chores as running errands, shopping for groceries, and cleaning you can open up time for your friend to take care of themselves and their loss.

Help with correspondence. Offer to help write thank you letters or to answer the phone and take messages.

Myths and Facts About Grief

Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss. 

Fact: Everyone reacts to grief in different ways.  Crying is one response to sorrow, but it is not the only one.  The pain of loss can be just as great for those who don’t cry.  They may simply have other ways of showing their grief.

Myth: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no set amount of time for grieving.  Different people require different lengths of time to recover from loss.  

Myth: An end to grief means an end to caring about a loved one.

Fact: Moving on after the death of a loved one means that you’ve accepted their death, not forgotten about them.  Their memory will always be a part of your life, even if your life is not the same as when you were with them. 

Myth: It’s best to avoid discussing a loss with a grieving person.

Fact: Grieving people usually want and need to share memories of their loved ones with others and want to talk about the pain of the loss.  Bringing up the topic can give a mourner the opportunity for discussion without forcing the conversation.

Myth: It’s important to be strong in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad or frightened are normal reactions to loss. Crying does not mean you’re weak or unable to deal with the loss.  Showing your true feelings is important for your wellbeing and that of your family’s. 

Myth: Children should be sheltered from grief.

Fact: Children need to grieve just as adults do.  They need to be told about the loss in an honest way and be allowed to ask questions and talk about their feelings.